November 20, 2003

Dear Members of the Ken Lerner Fan Club,

You don't have time to read this and I don't have time to write this so don't worry, this is going to be short. The next KLVO (Ken Lerner Viewing Opportunity) will be the CBS television show, "The District," Saturday night at 10 p.m Pacific Time. It's a small part, but auspicious in that Ken has graduated from playing a lawyer to portraying a judge. I think his character's name is Judge Judy. No, wait, that's the game we play when it's my turn. Anyway, Ken now has his sights set on playing a Supreme Court justice, preferably Clarence Thomas. I am glad filming's over because Ken got into character by wearing his black bathrobe around the house, wielding his meat tenderizer "gavel" and shouting "overruled!" every time I asked him to take the trash out. I'll tell you one thing, you don't know humiliation until you've had to answer to the name "bailiff." I'm just glad I don't have to call Ken "Your Honor" anymore. Best wishes and hope all is well with you all!

Sincerely,

Patti Klein Lerner,

President, the Ken Lerner Fan Club

September 23, 2003

Dear Members of the Ken Lerner Fan Club;

I know that you all have busy schedules and need plenty of time to mark your calendar for the next Official Ken Lerner Fan Club Viewing Opportunity. (OKLFCVO); thus the update today.  I know that many of you have seen Ken in his Fed Ex commercial or chanced to flip channels and see Ken getting stabbed in the back by one of the California gubernatorial candidates in "The Running Man" (no, not the porn star candidate--that scene was in Ken's film "The Rutting Man").  Or, you may just have seen Ken buying onions at "Ralphs" but these types of viewings are Unofficial Ken Lerner Viewing Opportunities, (or UKLFCVOs), a different classification, according to section 365 (B) of the Ken Lerner Fan Club bylaws and so they are of no concern to us currently.

The next OKLFCVO will take place on Tuesday, Sept. 29, 2003 at 8:30 p.m.Pacific Time on NBC.  The show, called "Happy Family," stars John Laroquette and Christine Baranski and I would like to personally apologize to the nice family from Texas who endured Jenny and Sammy climbing over them 55 times during the show's taping.  I can only hope that the Hostess Twinkie from the craft services cart was partial consolation for the crushed tibias you all suffered when I accidentally fell across the three of you while trying to get the kids to be quiet for Ken's big scene.  I hope you understand.   It is so hard for Ken to concentrate with the kids yelling, "Daddy, that's the lady from The Grinch movie."

I am happy to report that Christine Baranski was very kind and sweet to Ken and got a glowing report--pretty much on a par with the highly rated Tyne Daley--in the congeniality department.  One of the scenes in which Ken appears takes place in a "restaurant" with a live tank of lobsters.  In addition to Ken's salary, Ken was offered two or three of these lobsters to take home and a little tidbit for Ken Lerner Fan Club members is that Ken's acting in the scene is informed by his anxiety over what to do about this offer given the fact that his wife has this whole kosher kitchen thing going and that his daughter is quite vocal about expressing fear for her life in the presence of these little crustaceans.  I suspect that Ken's status as an animal lover and general Ghandi-like individual also played a part in his decision to pass up the offer of these little shelled creatures but I am not sure.  That would be an OKLFCRUD, Official Ken Lerner Fan Club Reason Unknown Decision (Section 45 B (8a), Ken Lerner Fan Club Code.

Ken's wife in the show was played by Molly Cheek.  The kids are so used to seeing Ken with other "wives," he might as well be a polygamist, but anyway, Molly gets extra cool points because she was one of the first people to visit us in the hospital when Jenny was born, along with our friend, Salvatore Viscuso; she also once shared with me her "Curried Rice Salad" recipe, which I am going to share with you (see below) because it contains one of my favorite ingredients--Rice A Roni, the San Francisco treat.  I have not asked Molly for any pie recipes, for obvious reasons, but her curried rice salad is so tasty that even I can make it and receive those wonderful cooking accolades that come to me only about once every 20 years.  They should do a reality cooking show based on me in the kitchen--I'm not sure whether it would belong on the comedy or drama channel--maybe the tragedy channel, as Ken and my surviving dinner guests can attest.   Anyway, Molly's salad is good for people who are on the Atkins diet--not that I think that anyone should be on the Atkins diet--because it is  high in fat  but if you make this at your next potluck, it will be a big hit.

ripe olives (to taste)

scallions (to taste) (2-3)

toasted pecans (to taste)

hearts of palm (2-3)

mayonnaise (to taste)

curry powder (to taste)

-Prepare Rice-A-Roni per pkg. instructions.  Let cool.

-Chop scallions, toast pecans, chop hearts o'palm

-Add artichoke hearts & marinade to rice.

-Mix in all remaining ingredients.

In other fan club news, many of you have praised Ken's Fed Ex commercial, which I personally do not particularly like.  Although it is very well written and funny and Ken's acting is, as usual, excellent, the commercial, in which Ken mostly glowers, is way too intense for me.  I am used to seeing that look from Ken when I leave my junk all over the dining room table, or when it's my turn to cook and I suggest that microwave pancakes, or cottage cheese and fruit cocktail would make a nice dinner.

That about wraps things up except to say that Ken, even as we speak is currently taping the sitcom, "The Stones" with Robert Klein and Judith Light, and so I have to hurry over to Target or the fabric store to see if they sell anything that could be used as a gag because the kids--and a bunch of their friends--are coming to the taping.  I'm sure you all share the sentiment with me, though I cringe to say it-- that Ken will "break a leg," as the saying goes in show business circles.  A good new year to some of you, and a happy and lovely autumn to the rest.

June 29, 2003

Dear Members of the Ken Lerner Fan Club,

I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you will soon have another Ken Lerner Viewing Opportunity, or KLVO, as we say in the biz. Ken recently traveled to New York to film a Federal Express commercial that should be airing soon on a channel near you. As with Ken's last Fed Ex commercial, ("Oh that package, Martha"), this should be very funny. Ken made me laugh out loud when he told me the lines--even though I was in a very bad mood at the time, having just broken my best Ken Lerner Fan Club mug when I suddenly came upon a piece of pit in my Postum and prune puree vodka breakfast beauty drink.

Now the bad news. Sadly, I must rescind the Father of the Year Award I was ready to bestow upon Ken for turning down an episode of "Friends" so that he could see our daughter, Jenny, play "Audrey" in her school production of "Little Shop of Horrors." Horribly, Ken did not turn down the Fed Ex commercial, although it caused him to miss our son, Sammy and his class singing "Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds" and "Sugar Pie Honeybunch" in Sam's elementary school musical. Sam finally gets a chance to perform and his father misses it. Oh well. I guess Sam will just have to live with envy.

Meanwhile, we have been having a small problem in our household ever since "National Security" came out on DVD. In the director's commentary, Dennis Dugan said some nice things about Ken. Now, Ken has altered our family copy to a never-ending loop of praise, which he has made me and the kids memorize and recite to him ad infinitum. Ken can't get enough. He won't let us sleep or eat unless we say it correctly. I know it's plastic, but my knuckles are still getting sore from being smacked with that ruler. Oh well. It's worth it to be Mrs. Ken Lerner and live the glamorous Hollywood life.

Sincerely,

Patti Klein Lerner, President of the Ken Lerner Fan Club

P.S. Ken wants me to say that this fan club letter is not up to my usual standards. If he feels that way, he should start f---ing paying me.

April 22, 2003

Dear Members of the Ken Lerner Fan Club,

In a case of life imitating art, Ken Lerner will play a really, really, really boring guy on the NBC-TV show, "Friends" on Thursday, April 24. Since it is a pretty popular show, I don't think it's necessary for me to go to the bother of looking up what time "Friends" is on, especially since I have a glamorous Hollywood wife evening planned of washing my failed marshmallow-matzo egg cream fizz soufflé experiment off of the kitchen ceiling. If my tongue can reach the ceiling as I stand tippytoe on the kitchen counter scrubbing, I am sure it will be absolutely delicious, the dust merely adding to its essence, but anyway, do watch the show as therein lies the tale of why Ken should win some kind of Actor Father of the Year award.

When Ken auditioned for the "Friends" job, he thought it was a "pre-tape." He didn't realize he'd have to shoot before a live studio audience on the exact same night his daughter was playing the lead in her middle school production of "Little Shop of Horrors." Over the next two decades, with residuals, the "Friends" job would probably pay about 10,000 to 15,000 much needed dollars, but Ken knows what is important. He TURNED the "Friends" job down so that he could be there on his daughter's big night.

As Ken was walking back to his car, the casting director came chasing after him and the "Friends" producers arranged it so that Ken could not only do the show but see his Jenny do hers. And Jenny was so great, so beautiful, so touching and lyrical that seeing her perform and sing her little heart out was worth a million bucks! So I can't roast Ken as I usually would in this Ken Lerner Fan Club report. In fact, you know that thing about Ken being really, really, really boring? I didn't write that. Kenny did! I can only express accolades and gratitude for Ken Lerner, Dad, Husband and Actor Par Excellence.

Sincerely,

Patti Klein Lerner,

President, The Ken Lerner Fan Club

June 23, 2002

Dear Members of the Ken Lerner Fan Club,

Thank you for your patience in waiting for a new Ken Lerner Fan Club update. I know that some of you are so patient, you are willing to wait a very long time for a new Ken Lerner Fan Club update, like forever or until hell freezes over, and I think that is so sweet and thoughtful! I so worry about you suffering the all too-common societal problem of an empty e-mail inbox, that I try hard to send KLFC updates on a regular basis. But then the mailman brings my monthly issues of "Okay Home and Garden" or "Marta Stewart Living," the Latino woman's guide to a Scottish lifestyle, and I get so engrossed, that all my fan club intentions go by the wayside.

Anyway, I have exciting news on the career of Ken Lerner, and a special bonus update on the career of Ken's brother, Michael Lerner, who says I never mention him in Ken Lerner Fan Club updates, but who needs to be nicer to me if he wants the kind of career-boosting publicity I provide in my fan club missives. Why, since I have been writing updates for Ken, he's been booked into many exciting venues like Clifton's Cafeteria, Alhambra, and the Monterey Park ABC Seafood Restaurant, where Ken can be seen Sundays doing his famous shrimp impression complete with "Am I not scallop?" soliloquy.

But I digress. As I was saying, both Lerner brothers are doing plays--Michael with Madonna in London and Ken with Debbie Boone in Pasadena--or, maybe it's not Debbie Boone, I always get Debbie Boone and Natalija Nogulich mixed up. Anyway, no matter where in the world you are, if you're in Pasadena or London, you can see a Lerner brother on stage! Ken's play is about Alzheimer's disease, a subject near and sad to my heart. It's called "The Waverly Gallery," and it was written by Kenneth Lonergan, who wrote the movie, "You Can Count On Me." The play is sad, warm and funny. The part calls for Ken to yell a lot; the kids, the poker boys and I are deeply worried about whether Ken will be up to the part's demands in that regard. I have been trying to do things around the house to provoke Ken, like cook a meal or top my previous record for "inches of dust near a bathtub" so that Ken can at least try to get some modicum of experience raising his voice, but he is so sweet and understanding, it's to no avail. The play is directed by Bruno Kirby, who was in "Godfather II," "When Harry Met Sally," "City Slickers," "Good Morning, Vietnam" and my personal favorite, "The Harrad Experiment." If anybody can get Ken to yell, I'm sure it's Bruno, although Ken says he is a nice, nay, even gifted director. Speaking of directors, I was just thinking: Wow! Michael Lerner and Madonna in the same play! I wonder what sanitarium that director will be vacationing in when the play wraps next month.

Anyway, Ken's play runs July 7-Aug. 11 at the Pasadena Playhouse (Hey! 7-11!) but you can see the play for only $20 in previews Fri., June 28 through Sat., July 6 if you mention CODE PC52 when you order your tickets. Call 626-356-PLAY or go to www.PasadenaPlayhouse.org for info and tickets.

In other Ken Lerner Fan Club news, Ken just returned from Providence, Rhode Island, where he filmed the movie, "Jesus, Mary and Joey." Ken played "the Jewish guy." Ken had a lot of practice being a Jewish guy at our daughter's recent bat mitzvah. I hope he gets a lot of roles as Jewish guys so he can pay for his daughter's recent bat mitzvah. Other actors in the movie include Ken's evil twin, Bobby Costanzo (who's also doing a play, called "West of Brooklyn") Olympia Dukakis, (who may be doing a play, for all I know), Tess Harper, Charles Durning, Stacey Keach and Leo Rossi. This brings to four the number of movies Ken has awaiting release. I hope the producers hurry and release them so that Ken's fans can see his new material and stop wearing out their video copies of Ken's cinematic triumph, "Super Duper Gas Station."

Well, I gotta go now and shop for my opening night dress while the blue light is still flashing in the Jacqueline Smith Collection department. I wonder if my maroon knee socks will match that luscious orange chiffon kilt. See me for fashion tips opening night!

Sincerely,

Patti Klein Lerner,

President, The Ken Lerner Fan Club

March 29, 2002

Dear Members of the Ken Lerner Fan Club,

Many of you have expressed childish, spoiled and irresponsible statements alleging dereliction of duty on the part of myself, the selfless, dedicated, hard-working president and founder of the Ken Lerner Fan Club. You say I have not kept you informed about Ken's career and should be replaced by someone more capable. Well, thanks to you, I actually had to sleep with the star to keep my job.

I can see that you troublemakers know nothing about my extreme dedication to the Ken Lerner Fan Club or about Ken's recent "trouble." As none of you may know, Ken went to a retreat for six months to learn to express his anger after his family and poker buddies staged an emotional and tear-filled "intervention." Ken had hit bottom. His easy-going, mild-mannered demeanor was debilitating to Ken, his family, career and friends. We were at our wit's end. We knew that Ken needed to learn to express himself and not keep things bottled up inside or there would be dire consequences.

After attending the Bobby Costanzo Institute of Hand Gestures and Decibel Enhancement, Ken can proudly stand side by side with such anger enhancement experts as Bobby Knight, Lou Pinella and John McEnroe. It is a 12-step program; Ken's sponsor, Mike Tyson is always there to lend an ear for Ken, thank G-d.

With this new entitlement, Ken has roared back into action with three movies in the can (no, not that can!) and some TV shows and commercials I "need" to tell you about.

Thanks to another Bobby Costanzo Institute graduate, Jonathan Kaplan, Ken's favorite director, Ken will guest star on "ER" at 10 p.m. on Thursday, April 4. Ken will also guest star on "Providence" on Friday, April 5 at 8 p.m. Both shows are on NBC. Additionally, the ubiquitous Ken can be seen peddling cheese in a commercial that should have even the lactose-intolerant salivating for cheddar. Ah, the power of Ken.

I am sorry if you missed the Verizon Wireless commercial--I didn't tell you about it because I didn't want to do anything to distract Ken from his 13-step work. (They had to add an extra step for Ken: "Admit you are powerless over casting directors.")

So wasn't it worth waiting for? Armed with the secret insider knowledge that only Ken Lerner Fan Club members receive, you can see the seething rage informing Ken's recent work. And I realize now more than ever that I owe Ken's fans a debt of thanks--there wouldn't even be a Ken Lerner Fan Club without all you dear, sweet, little rat-faced people out there.

Sincerely Yours,

Patti Klein Lerner,

President, the Ken Lerner Fan Club

February 10, 2001

Dear Members of the Ken Lerner Fan Club,

Kenny said he's going to fire me as his fan club president and replace me with Carmelita Pope if I don't come up with a fan club report by dawn.  He won't let me come to bed or have any more beer from our Beers From Around The World holiday gift set until it's written.  Ken says: "CARMELITA could come up with a fan club report. CARMELITA wouldn't get writer's block.  CARMELITA could write about Crawlers." Well, I'm the one who pioneered this fan club genre, that ungrateful little cockroach.

Oh! Speaking of cockroaches, (which I am able to do with some authority by the way), Ken Lerner and cockroaches are the stars of a new whodunit called "Crawlers," currently being filmed in Los Angeles.  Ken is playing a coroner.  This is one of those movies an actor does not for the money, but for its intrinsic artistic value and contribution to society.  Though it might be a little too highbrow for some of you, I say give it a try.  Remember, "Das Boot" was probably over your head the first time out.

The Cinetel movie also stars Mickey Roarke and Mickey Roach, a talented insect you're going to be hearing more from soon if I'm any judge of talent. Those acquainted with my housekeeping skills know Ken already has some familiarity with cockroaches--(of COURSE that's sexist, but let's face it, does anyone ever come over and say, "Boy, doesn't Ken ever dust?") This is useful because not only is Ken starring in Crawlers, he is also serving as on-set acting coach for the cockroaches.  As a result, you will surely see some of the best on-screen performances ever by cockroaches--I'm talking Screen Roaches Guild Award caliber.

It is so inspiring to see Ken work. "Now, when you're part of that attacking horde eating that warehouse guy's guts out, I want you to bring yourselves to the part," Ken says, "Remember your motivation. As with any scene, you either want to be loved or you want power."  Like all Kenny's acting students, the roaches adore Kenny and love to cling to his leg.  Two little roaches named Guinivere and Gulliver hitchhiked home on Kenny's pantleg the other night; I innocently smashed them with Kenny's Reebok, never dreaming they'd have to rewrite the movie's opening three scenes because of me.

In honor of the 20th anniversary of Cinetel Films, Cinetel President Paul Hertzberg is doing a cameo role as an exterminator who accidentally sprays Dursban down his own pants; fortunately, the scent drives girls mad, giving Paul unprecedented popularity and the idea for a new TV series: "Beroached."

Sincerely,

Patti Klein Lerner,
President, The Ken Lerner Fan Club

Read the Los Angeles Times story
about the Ken Lerner Studio

New students should always call before they come. 818-753-7744.

Private coaching and on-set coaching also available.