March 9, 2000

Dear Members of the Ken Lener Fan Club,

Some of you erroneously thought I made an error when I sent the last fan club mailing under the header "Ken Lener Fan Club" instead of Ken Lerner Fan Club. No, it was not "some cheap Asian knockoff, like a Rolix watch," as Mark Schorr and others suspected, nor would a former Pulitzer-Prize nominated reporter such as your Fan Club President make such a silly error even in her present flatulent and inebriated state. What simply happened is that Ken Lerner was getting tired of his name after 25 years in show business and we decided it was time for a little change.

The selection of the name Ken Lener was made only after consulting with four separate focus groups consisting of:

1) Employees of the Better Dresses Department at the Robinsons-May Store in Rancho Cucamonga, California

2) Paralegals and mail clerks from the mid-Wilshire law firm of Mudge & Schmurgelick, which specializes in maritime law

3) Busboys from Yamashiros Restaurant in Hollywood.

4) Robert Michael Dimblo, who is responsible for Trigger's upkeep at the Will Rogers Museum in Victorville, California, Franklin Elbert Novindoranda, Dale Evans' former pool man, and Ken's mother, Blanche.

It was the consensus of all four focus groups that the name Ken Lener connotes spontaneity, freshness, and a better body type than the name Ken Lerner, while being similar enough to Ken Lerner to still retain some name-brand identification. We hope you like it. There will be no extra charge to belong to the Ken Lener Fan Cub. Please just cross out the R in Ken's old name on your fan club wallet cards. The pronunciation of the new name is discretionary.

And, Mr. Schorr, while I highly value your suggestions that Ken instead change his name to Ken Tucky or Ken U Dig-it or that he remain Ken and I change my name to Barbie, I think we're going to trust those focus groups, although, please do let me know if the name Red Diamond becomes available at some future time. Geez, a guy writes a few hit detective novels that court Hollywood interest, and he thinks he can play with the Hollywood Big Boys and do Hollywood strategizing on this high level.

In other Ken Lener Fan Club news, Ken's new name change strategy is already paying off with a new guest starring role on the CBS show "Will and Grace." This time, Ken will be playing a businessman but maybe he can surreptitiously incorporate some of his mannerisms from the Metamucil commercial into his portrayal.

Sincerely,

PK Lerner,

President of the Ken Lener Fan Club

March 13, 2000

Dear Members of the Ken Lerner Fan Club,

I am very pleased to inform you all that Ken Lerner is not changing his name after all.

When I got to thinking things over, I realized that the findings of the fourth focus group could not be relied upon because Ken's mother, Blanche, and Dale Evans' pool man, Frank Novindoranda, had this instant chemistry thing going on and sat there playing footsie under the table the whole time we were meeting in the employee break room at the Roy Rogers Museum. I kept kicking them under the table to stop it so all three of us were distracted--and to make matters worse, Robert Michael Dimblo, who keeps Trigger looking so spiffy, kept interrupting, wanting us to go over and look at Trigger's lifelike marble eyeballs. I finally ramrodded the name Ken Lener through just so I could get away from the lovebirds and go look at the film clip of Roy and Dale as Grand Marshals in the 1961 Chatsworth Fourth of July Jumpin' Jubilee Parade. I must say, to Mr. Dimblo's credit, that Trigger didn't look half as good back in 1961 as he does today.

Alright, alright, so that didn't really happen. Look, I have a confession to make and I'm going to make it now and let the chips fall where they may. I, your loyal Ken Lerner Fan Cub president, blew it again, making another silly error, and instead of copping to it, I sought to cover my tracks by having Ken Lerner change his name to Ken Lener. Given my history of fan club flubs--screwing up the time of Ken's shows, portraying Michael Eisner as the head of Scholastic Weekly Reader instead of Disney in some fan club literature, etc., etc.--I just couldn't confess to another error, so I talked Ken into changing his name, telling him the story I told all of you. Well, geezie peasie, you'd think I'd made a hat out of Bambi, the Fan Club outcry was so great. So last night, I talked Ken into changing his name back, telling him that on second thought, Lener rhymes with wiener, while Lerner denotes virility and a kind of decadent wild man quality. Please do not tell him of my conduct as my marriage is already on precarious ground after the UFO incident. (Don't ask.)

Before you rush to judge me, you try writing Ken Lerner 55 times a week and getting that R in every time--It's just like when I used to cover the police beat and had to write "Los Angeles Police Chief Daryl Gates" 500 times a week with Larry Burrough breathing down my neck; Daryl Gates would always come out Darly Gates. There I'd be, on deadline, typing away, trying to concentrate while Andy Furillo stood on his desk pretending to hang himself from the newsroom ceiling with a copypaper noose.   I almost got carpal tunnel syndrome on my backspace key finger changing Darly to Daryl, and typing the R in Lerner is doing the same thing to my middle finger, I think. Anyway, Daryl Gates didn't take my name change advice either and now he's working on his tan, pondering the glory days of his Battering Ram, whereas, I'm sure if he were Darly, he'd still be chief and none of this Rampart Division scandal would even have happened. But anyway, that's another story.

I'll tell you something else. The proving ground of daily newspaper journalism does not come even close to preparing you for the rigors of a fan club presidency. Also, I am not making excuses for myself, but you try being accurate after receiving a crushing blow like the news about Kathie Lee leaving Regis, for which I hold Howard Stern personally responsible. I am so tired of hearing that mean old sex jokester lampoon and criticize this talented and beautiful performer. So what if she's of Jewish heritage but a born-again Christian? She was raised that way--it's not hypocritical--and unlike some people I know, you never hear Kathie Lee say anything but a kind word about other people's genitals. She is so real and fresh and open and fun and chatty--just a doll, a Chatty... Kathy doll. I really, really, really love Kathie Lee and I dote on Cody, Cassidy, and Frank, too, I guess, because Jenny, Sammy, Kenny and I share so many similarities. One of my most cherished possessions is the set of autographed Regis and Kathie Lee books, sweatshirts and caps I bought for $10 at the Rubberslide Elementary School Auction two years ago, which now are probably worth $300,000 thanks to Who Wants To Be, although I would not part with them for any sum! While I never get to watch Regis and Kathie Lee these days because I am busy seeing my Designing Women reruns, I feel better just knowing that Kathie Lee is on another channel. I'm just hoping that Kathie Lee and Cristina Ferrare do a show together someday, maybe with Dr. Laura. That would be my version of nirvana, and I think I speak for all womanhood in that regard.

Also, in my defense re the missing R matter, my brain has been sprained lately from helping with some particularly difficult 2nd grade math homework and Shirley Temple Black keeps calling the house re Botswana, whispering "African Adventure Beckons, Don't Pass Up Your Big Chaaaance." I'll be doing my Buns of Steel workout, and the phone'll ring-- Shirley again! Ken has such a phone habit that I once seriously investigated having a phone surgically implanted in his head as a birthday present, and though we have an answering machine, that's not good enough for Ken, he likes me to answer the phone. Someone could be bleeding from an artery, the cat could spontaneously burst into poetry and a 747 could land in our lemon tree, and Ken would still expect me to pick up by the third ring. That's in case the big Bwanas are calling, (Ken's agents, Richard and Jeffrey) with Ken's Big Break. I'll be doing my Buns of Steel workout, and have to put the tape on pause and jump up to answer the phone and by the time I get done talking to Zane or Bobby or Sal or Leo--and now Shirley--it's time to go pick up the kids and I only ever get to do my right bun. I never get to my left cheek and I'm starting to look a little lopsided. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have Bun of Steel? The other day, I had to buy two different sized pairs of pants and sew one leg from each together before I could go to Pavillion's for cabbage slaw.

So please understand and just erase the crossed out R on your Ken Lener Fan Club card and all's well that ends well, n'est ce pas?

In addition, some of you were kind enough to slap me upside of the head with the news that the show Ken is filming this week, Will and Grace, is on NBC, not CBS, as I said in the last Ken Lerner Fan Club update. Now the only person with real standing to make this observation is saintly former NBC executive Geoff Harris, without whom the show would not be on the air today. While I know that Geoff's motivation is pure, that he just wants to make sure you all tune in to the right network so that you won't miss some of Ken's best work in decades, I ask you this: why does nobody ever notice what I do right? I got the B and the C, right, NBC, CBS--two out of three isn't bad, I should be getting some credit here. Ken also noticed that I got the network thing wrong and made a scowly face at me so I burned his dinner and now I feel much better.

Maybe you fan club members should just make it a general policy to double check the TV listings and whatever else I tell you just in case I have PMS or have had some crushing blow like the Kathie Lee situation befall me when I write the fan club update. Also, as soon as you all pay your $50,000 fan club dues, you can bitch all you want. Michael Eisner sweetly hasn't said a thing and that's a very shining example.

Sincerely,

PK Lerner,

President, the Ken Lerner Fan Club

April 4, 2000

Dear Members of the Ken Lerner Fan Club,

Take out your calendars, please. Ken Lerner has asked me to inform his admiring public that he can be seen wielding his wheelchair with debonair abandon on "Diagnosis Murder" at 8 p.m. Thursday, April 27 on CBS. (You kvetched about needing advance notice. Is this advanced enough for you?)

Because Ken's portrayal of a paraplegic has given him special insight into the plight of the handicapped, he is now making it his life's mission to heighten the consciousness of others. Ken therefore has requested that members of his fan club watch the show blindfolded so that they may better understand the special needs and concerns of this segment of the disabled populace. Ken also plans to pass out "We Love You Ken" pins with the words in Braille and his facial features in bas-relief at the Fashion Island Mall in Newport Beach. You'll find Ken on the Plaza Level next to the Jelly Bean Emporium from 11 a.m.-3 p.m. on April 31. Please send your blind or even near-sighted and astigmatic friends Ken's way.

On a personal note, Ken took his "Diagnosis Murder" role so seriously that he has now begun limping, and refusing to do even the most menial household chores, citing his "condition." Hard as that is on the homefront, his zeal seems to have paid off with a truly high caliber performance. Due to a difference in time zones, we already have an advanced report from the Middle East that Ken was extremely moving as the "angry Jewish paraplegic."  Achieving a Mideast peace is high on Ken's fan club agenda, right up there between #6) "Have long-postponed discussion with Patti re "Redbook" article: "The Marital Happiness Test--Is Your Union Blissed Out or Ready for a Bust Up?" and #8) "Tell fans I couldn't do it without all you little people."

Speaking of troubled spots in the world.  I noticed a picture of our good buddy to the south, Fidel the other day.  Fidel,  I love your choice of clothes--that olive drab goes so well with your beard. In fact, I have always admired your fashion sense. Why don't you take a break and come out here for a little R&R? We could go shopping, do lunch, go on the Universal Studios tour, take in a few munitions plants-the works!

I'll pick you up at LAX and you can sleep on the Lerner living room couch to hold down costs. You don't know true joy until you've been licked awake in the morning by Ken's faithful dog, Buddy, and you can put your dictatorial  experience to work moderating the kids' fights over who gets the last bowl of Lucky Charms. I guarantee you, we Lerners can show you a way better time than the Pope. If you come, I'll even give you your very own Ken Lerner Fan Club title: You thought being President for Life was prestigious, try telling people you are the Official Presidential Wardrobe Consultant of the Ken Lerner Fan Club, and just watch the response. It will get you the best table at any Taco Bell in town.

By the way, I'd set you up for brunch with Blanche, but Robert Michael Dimblo has become wildly possessive lately. At a Lone Ranger retrospective in Azusa Friday, Blanche just happened to mention that Silver's coat was very, very shiny and Robert smacked her popcorn right out of her hand. I don't think you want to mess with him.

In other fan club news, regarding Ken's appearance on Judging Amy, I was very happy to see it was zipped as otherwise it would not have been fair to people who do not have big screen TVs. Confidential to Freya in Florida: I am so sorry you were not afforded the opportunity to see if Ken really was circumcised. Maybe next time.


Sincerely,

Patti Klein Lerner,

President, the Ken Lerner Fan Club


P.S. No, Shirley, Kenny is not interested in doing a remake of "The Story of Sea Biscuit" set in Zaire though he appreciates your thinking of him. He plans to be doing a special "Animal Reunion--Where Are They Now?" show with Flipper, Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Benji, Bambi and-- if Robert Michael Dimblo can deliver on his promise--Trigger during that same time period. (Another reason we don't want Fidel to rock the boat with Blanchie right now.)

Oh, I mustn't forget a special note to the Poker Game Boy who watched "NYPD Blue" instead of Ken on "Judging Amy." (You know who you are!) Shame on you! Of course Ken would never, ever, hold a grudge, but he is going to have to continue to whomp you in poker with no mercy or remorse. You're not going to like the way the sky looks by December, baby, when Kenny is the big poker champion for the third year straight by the widest margin in poker game history and you are left to reminisce about your best hand of the year-- a nine low.

P.P.S. Thanks, Dr. Sharon of Chicago for the box of bon-bons. They certainly were the perfect Ken Lerner Fan Club Presidential gift. Please don't think this obviates the need to pay dues, however.

April 25, 2000

Dear Members of the Ken Lerner Fan Club,

Please remember to watch Ken Lerner portray a disabled game show contestant on "Diagnosis Murder" at 8 p.m. Thursday on the CBS television network. Now, as some of you may know, Bruce Willis is appearing opposite Ken's show on "Friends" at the exact same time. You can be sure the object of your fan club adulation is a pretty darn big star when NBC has to resort to that kind of "stunt" casting just because Ken Lerner's on a competing channel. I think you can be pretty proud of yourselves. You, Ken's loyal fan base, made him what he is today.

Notice the word "loyal." Loyal is the key word here. Now I know some of you might be tempted to watch Bruce instead of Ken and I understand that thinking. It's like our daughter, Jenny said, after seeing Cher on the Grammys: "I feel so sorry for Cher, all alone without Sonny!" and I know we all feel the same about Bruce and Demi. I didn't want to believe all the rumors, it's always sad when a couple splits, especially when they have worked so hard to come up with cool names for their children. (Scout, Rumer and what's the other one, Jezebel? Delilah? I forget but I have total admiration for this couple's naming abilities and choice of books.) And I know we all worry about the financial problems Bruce is probably contending with post-split.

Then too, we pity him because all he ever got to be married to was Demi, all he's ever known is marriage to an actress and Ken has gotten to be married all these years to a writer--namely me. I am sure that when Demi went and made that movie where she played the exotic dancer who had to strip and do seductive dances to support her children, Ken said to himself, which would I rather have: a wife who can shake it like that or a wife whose fingers can race nimbly over a keyboard and I know for a fact he said he'd way much rather have the fast-fingered one.

But anyway if they ever shot a movie of me typing away at my computer in my fashionable Jacqueline Smith Collection sweater set, lycra-spandex pedal pushers, L'Eggs control top panty hose and Playtex Cross-Your-Heart Bra, skin smelling faintly of Dove with one-quarter cleansing cream, idly fingering my mouse button--well, the film would be lucky to get an NC-17 rating, and Ken knows it. Lap dance schmap dance. Laptop! Now that's sexy. Instead of "Striptease,"--they could call my movie, "Flashtype"--or "Touch-type" or "The ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ's of Love." Don't even get me started about RAM, hard drive and browsers.

Anyway, it all comes down to this: which would you rather watch, a bald guy, Bruce? Or Ken who's got a whole head of hair? Ken can wear his hair slicked back, down in front, parted on the left, parted on the right, parted down the middle, all these different ways--it's truly unbelievable--and Bruce can wear his in only two styles: shiny, not shiny. It's your choice. Use it wisely.

In other Ken Lerner Fan Club news, in honor of EarthWeek 2000, Ken is going to personally water his lawn Wednesday rather than use his automatic sprinkler system, and once the lawn dries, he's going to set the kids loose with those gorgeous white dandelion seed orbs you make a wish on and blow. This way he will be doing his part to plant more drought-tolerant plants in his yard and the yards of his neighbors while giving his children false hope of more Pokemon cards and clothes from The Limited Too.

The Botswana thing is still up in the air. Ken's checking on the TV reception.

Sincerely,

Patti Klein Lerner,

President, The Ken Lerner Fan Club.

May 14, 2000

Dear Members of the Ken Lerner Fan Club and Members of the Joan Collins Fan Club,

Since so many Joan Collins fans are also Ken Lerner fans and so many Ken Lerner fans are also enamorati of Joan Collins, members of both fan clubs will be ecstatic to hear that Ken and Joan will be reunited again for the first time ever on "Will and Grace" at whatever p.m. Tuesday on NBC.

NBC is the second network to take advantage of Ken to boost its ratings during the crucial sweeps period, and Joan seems to be trying to ride Ken's coattails to success, but Ken has enough success to go around to 55 or maybe even 20 actors and Joan is a beautiful and fun to watch actress so we shall not complain.

Both stars have so much in common and their friendship only grew after Ken was kind enough to pass along to Joan complimentary copies of two of my pamphlets: "Making Up After You Fight," a guide to putting on cosmetics after a domestic dispute, and "Dress For Success The Stretch Pants Way." (Both pamphlets are available only through the Ken Lerner Fan Club for $20/each, postage paid, with self addressed stamped envelope.)

Speaking of domestic disputes, despite my surehanded stewardship of the Ken Lerner Fan Club, Ken is steadfastly refusing to take my career advice and do a little summer stock as a change of pace from his hectic and busy career. Two plum roles are available at the Tuacahn Outdoor Amphitheater near St. George, Utah, but Ken will not even audition for them, despite having the chance to perform, on alternate nights, the Buddy Hackett part in "The Music Man" and the part of "Tevye" in Fiddler on the Roof. That part was originated by Zero Mostel, whose fan club membership coincidentally also overlaps Joan Collins' fan base. (Zero is unfortunately dead at this time and unable to perform the role.)

Tuacahn is set in beautiful and only slightly radioactive Snow Canyon State Park just outside of St. George, but Ken does not have the vision to appreciate and is, in fact, turning up his nose at the once-in-a-lifetime chance to perform in a production of Fiddler in which the "red rock cliffs of Snow Canyon will be transformed into the Russian village of Anatevka, complete with flash flood." That in and of itself would be reward enough, but on alternate nights, Ken could be dancing down the red rock canyon streets of River City singing "Shapoopee." But will he consider it? Nooooo. Richard and Jeffrey please talk some sense into this man before the parts go to John Travolta or Rob Reiner or Bobby Costanzo or Dennis Franz. Roles like this will not last long; the agents of these actors are no dolts.

Once in St. George, the Lerner Family could eat every meal at my favorite restaurant: Chuck-A-Rama. Ken has to grab the brass ring now!

Sincerely,

Patti Klein Lerner,

President, The Ken Lerner Fan Club

September 21, 2000

Dear Members of the Ken Lerner Fan Club,

I am sorry that I have not updated you lately on Ken's exciting film and television career, but I have been occupied with my work on behalf of the National Organization for the Advancement of Spandex Stretchpants which I recently co-founded with Nancy Reagan, and we have been very busy getting the Hollywood celebrity chapter off the ground and planning the stretchpants of the month club offerings for the next year. You may have noticed that there's a chapter in Nancy's new book on Ronald Reagan's 's love letters about how Ron first realized he loved Nancy when he saw her in stretch pants. ("Spandex so becomes you that I was overcome with tremulous passion when I saw you in those perky pedal pushers," Ron wrote, in a passage that gets Ken misty eyed no matter how many times he reads it.) Nancy's a real trooper and has worked tirelessly on behalf of the stretchpants cause despite the tremendous personal challenges she faces on the homefront. $5 of the profits from each pair of stretchpants goes to Alzheimer's research, so it is for a good cause as well as a fun fashion purchase.

Of course, Ken would prefer that I didn't neglect the Ken Lerner Fan Club for my NOASS work but he realizes the importance of my civic activities, however, he would like me to update you on some of his recent activities.

We recently returned from a family camping trip to the Grand Canyon. We had a GREAT time! I took a picture of Ken next to the Grand Canyon for the Fan Club but I accidentally dropped the camera into the canyon, conking a donkey on the head, spilling a thankfully resilient tourist from Romulus, Michigan over three switchbacks and earning a $250 littering citation from the National Park Service, so I cannot show you the photograph but I will tell you that Ken looks very small next to the canyon, which is best described as very grand.

En route to the Grand Canyon, we stopped briefly in Las Vegas, where Ken's acting student, Sheena Easton got us front row seats for her Copa show with David Cassidy at the Rio Hotel. Sheena sang beautifully and looked stunning in dazzling, glamorous gowns with mesmerizing, sparkling jewels and I suppose hearing her soulful and bouncy renditions of "My Baby Takes The Morning Train" and "For Your Eyes Only" and that torch song from Porgy and Bess put me in kind of a trance, and then too, you know how it is, being in Las Vegas and up past 8:30 p.m. with a babysitter, but that's no excuse and I would like to personally apologize to the Ken Lerner Fan Club, Sheena, David Cassidy, the management of the Copa Room and the Rio, as well as Sally, the cocktail waitress who I think looks very becoming splashed with an alcoholic beverage for having, apparently, leaped over two tables and slithered on my belly across the stage grasping David Cassidy's ankle, yelling, "Take Me! Take Me!" when he sang his signature hit, "I Think I Love You!" I was perfectly well behaved until Ken's mother, Blanche, started banging her apricot sourball glass on the table, waving her needlepoint and yelling, "Kiss me, my son's an actor!" and then something in me just snapped. And I didn't even realize Blanche was a David Cassidy fan. Now at least I know what to get her for her forthcoming 89th birthday--"The Best of the Partridge Family" CD. I guess it just goes to show you we Lerner women need to let loose sometimes. We're human, or "yuman," as Kenny would say if he were talking to me.

In other Ken Lerner Fan Club News, Ken is currently in Salt Lake City doing this show called "Touched By An Angel." "What angel, and exactly where will she be touching you?" I demanded but I relaxed after my friend Mayerene made a good point: "You should just hope it's the Della Reese angel, not the Roma Downey one." In point of fact, I think Della's neat. She can sing, cook, everything. If I were a guy I would go for her bigtime.

Ken has a bunch of other career news, like he's doing a play with Bobby Costanzo (if Bobby can just learn to project, I'm sure it will be a success) and the Michael Richards pilot Ken finished filming at 1:30 a.m. the day of the Grand Canyon trip, but big deal, it's just show biz, it's not like it's nuclear disarmament conference stuff or a fall hemline and fashion bulletin that you really have to know. Get the TV Guide, look it up, watch it, don't watch it, who cares, it's your decision. It's Indian summer. I'm suffering from Fan Club President Burnout.

Sincerely,

Patti Klein Lerner,
President, The Ken Lerner Fan Club

October 17, 2000

Dear Members of the Ken Lerner Fan Club

Please mark your calendars for the fall season's first Ken Lerner viewing opportunity, Mon., Oct. 23, 2000, the season opener of Ally McBeal. Ken's recent weight loss is drawing the inevitable comparisons to Calista Flockhart, but you should be able to tell them apart as Ken's the boy. By the way, Ken will not be changing his name to Kenneth Downey, Jr., as had been rumored elsewhere.

In other Fan Club news, we are offering a special Ken Lerner Fan Club Tour package for those who want to travel to Hollywood, California, to see Ken's award-winning performance* in the new play, "Loonacy."

This two-character comedy, written by Kieran Angelini, and directed by Anthony Calderella, co-stars Ken's longtime poker buddy, Bobby Costanzo, who recently overtook Kenny in the poker game standings and is $200 ahead of Kenny for the year but only because Ken was busy shooting the Michael Richards Show and Touched By an Angel and traveling, and also Ken was feeling philanthropic and let Bobby have one little taste, one little merciful morsel and crumb of taste of what it's like to win in the poker game, as Ken has been the big winner for three years in a row and will be for the year 2000 as well, I have no doubt. I mean, the poker guys are all real nice and all, but Ken should really just be crowned Great Poker King and given that title permanently and the other poker plays should all respect and honor him and speak in hushed reverential tones around him and give him little treats like I do at home.

Anyway, these two fierce Poker Combatants, Kenny and Bobby, got a stipulation in their contracts that they would not have to perform on their poker night, so the play runs Fridays and Saturdays at 8 p.m. and Sundays at 3 p.m. through November 19 at The Lee Strasberg Theater, 7936 Santa Monica Blvd., just west of Fairfax. For reservations call 323-650-7777.

Not only is the play a chance to view these two stars up close and personal--they look like an old married couple, truth be told--but if you let me know in advance and I can get a babysitter, you can be personally greeted by the PMS Princess herself, as I think the play is so funny, I want to see it again and again and again. And it's only $15! We paid more than that for our last "Keep the Romance Alive" Taco Bell "date night out" dinner.

By the way, Bobby will be happy to autograph copies of his movie, "With Friends Like These," which is now available at Blockbuster. The movie was written and directed by another poker buddy, Phil Messina. Is it just me or is the poker game getting kind of incestuous? Or maybe it's just one big Hollywood talent incubator. One thing's for sure, if they were looking for an alternative energy source and could harness the poker players' lung power talent, they could turn on the lights in all of western Massachusetts for at least five hours on Thursday nights. Lauren Weissman must have been some kind of Deaf Saint to stand the game in her house all those years before Seymour stepped in and opened his heart and his garage to those noisy jackals who should indeed definitely bow to the sweet, soft-spoken, quiet, demure Poker King.

As for the Ken Lerner Fan Club tour package's fine print: the offer includes a trip to Hollywood, two tickets to the show and dinner at Gordon's Fine Chinese Food restaurant,for only $12,870.50 all inclusive--less than the cost of a college education. Those who book by Oct. 23 will receive complimentary tickets to the special Ken Lerner Fan Club tour of the Expand-O-Lax Stretch Pants Factory in Chino Hills, hosted by Nancy Reagan, where we will be able to see stretch pants being made, as well as purchase the official Ken Lerner Fan Club Stretch Pants, which come in a variety of lovely colors, and have Ken's picture on the seat. Sized from 2T to 3 XXX, they make lovely gifts.

We are also offering the following supplemental packages for an extra sum:
a.. Dinner and breakfast at the Chuckarama Restaurant with tour of Brigham Young's Winter Home in St. George, Utah, with a stop en route at the Bun Boy Restaurant in Baker, California, only $244.
a.. The Ken Lerner Fan Club Commune With Nature Package: You'll be dropped off at Venice Beach with a bivvy sack, book of "Strike Anywhere" matches and bag of marshmallows, only $284.
a.. The Ken Lerner Fan Club Survivor Package: Camp in the Lerner Back Yard, dodging dog droppings and foraging from the vegetable garden. Every day the children will vote a new person out of the yard. The lone remaining winner gets to attend the play free, only $1,397, shovel included.
a.. Admission to original water ballet performance by Ken's mother, Blanche Lerner, and the women of the Royal Bellingham Retirement Hotel, "The Alligator Damsel In Distress On The Train Trestle," featuring many exciting synchronized swim moves choreographed by Blanche herself and featuring Illona Rafowicz, Winny Winarski, Edith Weissenbach and others too numerous to mention. I will not give away the surprise ending, just suffice it to say, bring your hankies, only $145.
Book your trip now, as space is limited.

Sincerely,

Patti Klein Lerner, President,

* Ken has won the "Your Wife Award" for Best Performance In A Play Allowing An Actor To Shirk Carpool Duty for 20 Days or More

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